I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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