it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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