the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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