You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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