I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You don't make any sense
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