fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
