I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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