Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
