When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
