I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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