oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
