Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
