I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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