Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
she peed on how many people?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
