Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
