I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
