Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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