ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
