Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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