She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Say something about gay babies.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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