Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
