he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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