I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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