Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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