Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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