I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got inside last night via doggy door
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
