he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
