I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
