i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
