Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
