we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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