checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
