We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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