Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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