He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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