Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
