Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
