I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
