if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
