I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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