you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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