I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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