So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
