I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
