i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
