look no pants
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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