I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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