you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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