I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
