bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
