i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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