yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
