Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
