Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
