god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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