We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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