Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
