Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
