I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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