Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Come on in and take your pants off
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