its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
